The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

The tomatoes were stashed in the crisper with care
Along with the lettuce and enough cheese to spare
The counter had corn shells beside Crisco oil
With fork knives and spoons and aluminum foil
And there loomed a bottle with sauce oh so hot
A frying pan gleamed with nary a spot
And the front burner told him with a reddening glow
That soon there would be Merry Christmas Tacos

~MeanMeanMrTu~

Alright…*waves hands in a negating fashion*…for the sake of argument…let’s say The Ox And Lamb could keep time…pa rum pah pum pum...highly unlikely…but alright…and again I find no documentation that the pair made any sort of audible...~sound~.

So…in order to keep time they must have been moving something…in the case of The Ox I imagine its tail switching to and fro…much like an upside down metronome…1…2…3…4…2…2…3…4. Alright…ALRIGHT! I will concede that the tail hitting the toughened hide of said Ox…at the end of each stroke…might have made a...~sound~…perhaps s small…”thwack”…but…I am sure it would be no louder than the sound…that I have personally heard…of a horse switching its tail and that would not have had enough volume for the keeping of time.

Now in the case of The Lamb…Lambs do not have tails with which to switch. Yes…I know they are born with tails…but…we all know damn well they get them hacked off pretty much straight away…this practice is called “Docking”…it’s a feces issue.

This leaves The Lamb with a flapesque patch and such is not prone to switching in a conductive manner…and since said Lambs tail/patch cannot switch…said tail cannot make an audible...~sound~... for the keeping of time…this is indisputable. Alright…ALRIGHT! I suppose The Ox And Lamb both could have clacked a hoof in unison on the ground in a metronomic way…~clack clack clack clack…clack clack clack clack~…but you see…if this would have been the case…The Ox And Lamb would have been considered more dancing than conducting and the song does not say…”The Ox and Lamb danced in time pa rum pah pum pum .”…for this reason I dismiss out of hand the notion that The Ox And Lamb could have kept time in any manner whatsoever…not to mention The Ox is much to bulky for dancing…thin ankles you understand.

Actually…the controversy of The Ox And Lamb is moot! “Why Mr. Tu…why is the controversy of The Ox And Lamb moot?”…I mystically hear you ask…fair enough question…I’ll tell you why...

I have 66 years of Yule Tide Christmas Joy under my belt…I have viewed more Nativity Scenes than I can count…my family’s Nativity Scene as I grew up…friends homes Nativity Scenes…I have viewed Nativity Scenes on television…I have viewed Nativity Scenes in churches and I have viewed Nativity Scenes in all…art…forms…and guess what? There is no :Drummer Boy” in any of them! And why would there be? Think about that…*points to head*…

They would have us believe that a small boy in ancient Jerusalem…and at that time they didn’t mess around…one could have gotten a hand lopped off for the smallest infraction…even today…that a small boy wakes in the middle of the night…steals his father’s drum…what? Of course it was his father’s drum…you think little boys in ancient Jerusalem were sporting their own drums? Egad…they were eating figs and beetles…his father was probably considered rich for owning just one drum!

So…he steals his father’s drum…and the sticks…don’t forget the sticks…then makes his way…in the middle of the night…all alone…across ancient Jerusalem. Believe me…a little boy in ancient Jerusalem would not have been wandering around alone in the middle of the night…he would have never been seen again…ancient Jerusalem did not have the societal moral standards that exist today…think Sodom and Gomorrah…the kid would have been trafficked in the blink of an eye...not to mention the additional enticement of an ill gotten bonus drum.

Alright…again…for the sake of argument…let’s say “The Little Drummer Boy” actually makes it to The Manger in one piece…highly unlikely…but alright. Now he strides up to a group of adults…with a sleeping new born Jesus…again in the middle of the night…and starts banging on a drum?

I think at this juncture I should add here that we’ve all heard the song “The Little Drummer Boy”…and in said song a finely tuned snare drum offers a nice…~rat a tat tat~…well…I’m pretty sure…there were no finely tuned snare drums in ancient Jerusalem…I don’t think they were even invented yet…so…said drum must have been an ancient type of timpani…stretched goat skin model…leather bindings…and most likely offered a deeply registered…~Bah Bonga Bong Bong~!

So…the kid strides up…group of adults…sleeping baby…middle of the night…and begins…~Bah Bonga Bong Bong…Bah Bonga Bong Bong…Bah Bonga Bong Bong…Bah Bonga Bong Bong~!

First…an event of this nature would have startled a dozing Ox which would have begun to bellow and kick in panic and most likely…accidentally…kick the lamb in the head which would have then fell over dead. Perhaps this activity would have produce an appearance of time keeping and this scenario does satisfy the prior suggestion of...~sound~…that is…if…”The Little Drummer Boy” had been there…which he wasn’t.

Second…if the aforementioned scenario had happened you know Joseph would have been triggered! “WHAT THE ARE YOU DOING?”…~Bah Bonga Bong Bong…Bah Bonga Bong Bong~…”WE JUST GOT JESUS TO SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE!”…~Bah Bonga Bong Bong…Bah Bonga Bong Bong~…”WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!…~Bah Bonga Bong Bong…~Bah Bonga Bong Bong~…”SOMEBODY STOP THAT LITTLE DRUMMER BOY!”…~Bah Bonga Bong Bong…Bah Bonga Bong Bong~…”HEY…WHERE’D YOU GET THAT DRUM?!”…~Bah Bonga Bong Bong…Bah Bonga Bong Bong~.

~Merry Christmas~

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is for you to clean my bathroom...we'll see how jolly you are then.

Yours truly,

The Vampire

COMMENTS

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Theodora
14:55 Dec 20 2022

Can he please come clean mine as well?

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MeanMeanMrTu
21:58 Dec 20 2022

That's between you and the big man...

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POST COMMENT

It was a frosty and cold winter morning and I had taken my automobile into the shop for repair…something about the heater ram lifter clutch had rusted beyond adjustment and a new one would be required. It would be hours before they could obtain said part and additional time to install…so…seeing how this was merely days before Christmas, they were kind enough to drive me home and then upon completion of the repair, would telephone and then retrieve me.

As I waited I busied myself with festive decorating…hanging twinkling blinking lights around my flat screen, trimming the stove with garland…you know…one of the old tried and true Christmas schemes.

I was beginning to hang mistletoe in the bathroom when I suddenly remembered! Neva Johnson, a friend of mine from Columbus, your “Sweet Tooth Specialist”, had sent me a batch of bona fide “Chocolate Chip Cookies”…not “Hazelnut Cookies With Chocolate Chips”…not “Coconut Cookies With Chocolate Chips”…but honest to God…REAL…“Chocolate Chip Cookies”! Ohhhh Ho Ho Hooooo!

Well…forty five seconds in the old Holiday Microwave and I had ooey gooey chewy hot “Chocolate Chip Cookies” to enjoy with a tall glass of cold milk! As I sat at my kitchen table, in Chocolate Chip Cookie Heaven, the Repair Shoppe’ telephoned to inform me my vehicle was finished and they would come collect me immediately.

I decided I had at least five minutes before their arrival, so another “Chocolate Chip Cookie” round was sent through the Holiday Microwave and I refreshed my milk. I kept watch through my kitchen window for the Repair Shoppe’ driver as I greedily gobbled gooey goodness. Upon the driver’s arrival I popped the last bit of “Chocolate Chip Cookie” into my mouth and bolted out the kitchen door.

The driver sported a huge smile as I shut the car door (odd I thought)…”Merry Christmas!” I said…”Merry Christmas!” he chortled back. (Was this Christmas Spirit? A smile? Odd…damn odd)

I walked into the Repair Shoppe’ and straight up to the manager to settle my bill and he looks at me with a huge smile on his face! (More Christmas Spirit? What the hell was going on?!). “Merry Christmas!” I said…”Merry Christmas!” he shot back. I looked at two mechanics standing off to the side, they too were smiling…”Merry Christmas!” I said…”Merry Christmas!” they shot back. (Are people really this good willed and friendly? IS THIS CHRISTMAS SPIRIT?!) I paid my bill and drove away in wonder.

I needed to do a little additional Christmas shopping and it was the same everywhere I went! Cashiers…managers…floor help…smile after smile after smile after smile! Merry Christmases were flying all over the goddamn place! “Merry Christmas!”… “Merry Christmas!”… “Merry Christmas!”.

Have I been wrong all these years?! Wrong?! How could I have been so cynical about my fellow man? People really do have good souls! People are not mostly complete bastards…they’re filled with goodwill and light! I’VE SEEN IT! This was nothing short of a Christmas Miracle! MERRY CHRISTMAS MERRY CHRISTMAS MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! I was blessed with the feeling of Yuletide Joy!

Upon arriving home with my treasures, a Christmas rest room break was in order, which I promptly indulged. As I washed my hands in the sink, warm and full of “The Christmas Spirit” from my morning encounters, I looked up and into the bathroom mirror and that’s when I saw…the ooey gooey chocolate chip smear that ran all the way across my chin…

~Merry Christmas~

McDonalds…”A double cheeseburger and a medium soda, please.” (Alternative sandwich…Filet 'O Fish.)

Burger King…”One Whopper Jr. and a small soda, please.” (Alternative sandwich…BK Big Fish.)

Wendy’s…”A single with everything but pickle and a small soda, please.” (Alternative sandwich…Baconator.)

Taco Bell…”Two soft tacos and a medium soda, please.” (Alternative entree…Mexican Pizza.)

This neat and deliciously wraps up my “Senior Citizen / Fast Food Ordering” post, but I think a few explanations might be prudent.

I'm sure you all noticed how polite I am across the fast food spectrum, this is a "Spit In My Food" issue and many of you have in addition noticed and are wondering why…WHY…would I order “Medium” sodas at McDonalds and Taco Bell, but order “Small” sodas at Burger King and Wendy’s?!

Now hold on...this is not as crazy as it sounds and is entirely the government’s fault because they have not yet oppressed and regulated “Fast Food Soda Cup Sizes”.

See…the “Small Soda” at Wendy’s and Burger King are the same size as the “Medium Soda” at McDonalds and Taco Bell! So to receive a “Medium Soda” at Wendy’s and Burger King, you would have to order what would be a “Large Soda” at McDonalds and Taco Bell and God help you should you ever order a “Large Soda’ at either McDonalds, or Taco Bell, I’m not even sure such would fit in a dash cup holder and I cannot imagine what a ”Large Soda Interior Spillage” would look like!

So in closing...let's be fast food educated out there!